God Hates Fags

Tell me why my mother thought Toni Braxton was saying "I've got to pray, so let me praise please" on her new song?

[music: radiohead- lucky]


First of all, let me say I hate church and all of its cooning buffoonery, hypocrisy, and underlying hatred. Being home from college for Thanksgiving, my deeply-religious-church-washed mother forced me to wake up and join her at EIGHT O CLOCK SERVICE.

That's too got damn early.

Like a solider in war, I stood firm through the daunting and repetitive Praise & Worship, I weathered the tedious organ riffs, and I braved the mechanical sermon. I even survived the big lady next to me catching the ghost and causing a major earthquake within the church. (I'm a surviva!)

Then came Sunday School and the ignorance began.

I had graduated from teenage Sunday School, bein' as I'm eighteen and all, so I stayed with my parents in adult Sunday School this time around. Cause I'm grown like that. So the SS teacher is gettin up in front of the congregation talkin' about how he fucks up sometimes too and he isn't perfect. He gave us an example of a time (recently) when he cursed out his neighbor for blockin his driveway. And another time when the neighbor's dogs shitted all up in the yard, the SS teacher took a shovel and THREW that dog shit onto the neighbor's house, ghetto style.

So then he continues on with the typical preachings that the black church does, when all of a sudden he busts out with:

"And let me just say this. We have got to stop supporting churches that support all these gayonisms."

Gayonisms? Gay-0-nisms? Hooked on Chronic worked for him! This was worse than the time the teen SS teacher said that gays are possessed by "denomic" (yes DENOMIC, not demonic) spirits. I had to tell him a thang or two.


"People place bets on choirs, so they let these homosexual choir directors into the church. Then before you know it, 3/4's of the choir is acting that way!"

Much applause from the Jim Crowe (shout out to Clay Cane) Christian audience.

"I was so glad when Pastor got up here one Sunday and said 'I will not allow homosexuals to become a member of this church. If you're gay and want to be a member, we gotta talk first. If you wanna change then you can become a member, but if you stick with the lifestyle, we don't want you in this church.'"

At this point, it's taking all my energy not to grab a mic and go Jerry-Springer-audience-member on his ig'nant ass. I was about to show him about some damn gayonisms. My stepdad was the microphone-hander-outter person, so it would have been no problem to just get a mic and go postal.

But my mom brought me to church to show me off, not have me come out in front of the whole congregation, and embarass the shit out of her with my "blasphemous" tongue. So I just sat there shakin' my head like I'm at an Ashanti concert. Just cover your ears and wonder how he got a mic, or how she got a deal.

"And when people say they were born gay, that is not true! Gayonisms are an abomination against God! These people are turning from the will of God!"

Again, much applause from the audience.

I felt hurt and betrayed. These people that I'd sat in this church with, people who claimed to love me, were sitting there applauding hatred towards people like me. I knew if I stayed any longer, my gayonism was gonna explode, so I had to leave and take a walk outside.

My mother just sat there the entire time, scribblin some nonsense on her bulletin to avoid taking sides. To avoid showing me direct disapproval of my orientation, and to avoid showing me direct comfort in the face of disapproval of my orientation.

+Thank God For Oprah, Though+

My mother had seen and recorded the episode of Oprah in which celebrities and other people described what it was like to come out of the closet, and when they knew they were gay.

The next day, she made me watch the video and told me we needed to talk. I knew then that she was making progress towards understanding me being gay. She had a smile on her face as she told me to watch the episode and told me "this will help our relationship". So I think she's gonna be cool with it eventually and stop picking some contradictory book over her own son.

And that's real.

P.S. The hick who tried to sue me lost his case. KABLAM! This money is mine, bitch!