You're Queer- This Minute, This Year! (Edited)

Now like I said before, this is a secret episode of Oprah that she refused to broadcast because of impending legal action and things people revealed about Oprah on the show. This is the second episode they filmed while I was on the set that fateful day.

*audience applause*

Oprah: Looky, Steadman, I licked up all of Gayle's poodenda juice. OH THE SHOW STARTED? *screamin like a chopped and screwed seal* YES! YES!! WEL-COME! Today we are expounding on yesterday's episode "You're Gay Tomorrow and Today!" with "You're Queer. This Minute, This Year!" Last episode, we met with anonymous gay celebrities who talked to us about their experience in the closet. Now here today with us is a couple who also wishes to remain anonymous.

Oprah: OK, so what is the deal with you two? Who is the gay one? Or is it both of you?
Man: I'm gay, Oprah, and-
Woman: NO YOU'RE NOT! How can you say that? You love me.
Man: I like dick, not fat female whales!
Oprah: Oh Lordy Do! OK, so how did you know you were gay?
Man: When my wife showed me her four breasts.
*white lady in the audience looks concerned*
Oprah: That's a new one. OK, so how does it feel to be a celebrity with a gay husband?
Woman: My husband isn't gay, Oprah. He loves me. We even have our own wedding website to prove it.
Oprah: Um... a wedding means nothing. That's why I'm not married, I'm not a down low type bitch. But anyways, did you not see my episode with Terry and her man? I think you have a fag on your hands.
Man: I fucked Tevin Campbell last night, babe! You were just in the other room.
Woman: NO! Oprah, show them the clips of me and my man together. You will see that my man thinks being gay is wrong and HE IS ATTRACTED TO ME!

Oprah: What are you looking at down there?

Man: I'm reading Playgirl to get aroused for my wife.

Woman: YOU ARE NOT GAY! YOU ARE NOT GAY!

Oprah: *shakes head and looks into camera* So it looks like this issue is even more complex. Women are in denial about their gay men's true sexual identities to the point of insanity.

Woman: OPRAH HE ISN'T GAY! I SWEAR! LOOK AT-

Charles X: Shut the fuck up, bitch! *shoots the woman dead*

Oprah: Now we have with us a white celebrity who wants to weigh in on the situation.

Woman/Man/Animal/Shit/??: He-he-hello, Oprah. You- you made a mistake. I'm black.

Oprah: Riight. Who is this? Justin? Eminmen?

Somethin: No, Oprah, it's not.

Oprah: Why do you have those eyes on over your identity mask?

Thang: It was supposed to make you laugh, Oprah. *giggle* It's just the child in me coming out to play!

Oprah: Oh. So how is it to be a closeted lesbian in Hollywood?

Lesbian: Oh! No, Oprah! I'm a boy- I mean, man.

Oprah: Wow, I really feel like this has turned into the Jerry Springer show.

Jerry: Don't bring me into this, Winfrey! I wouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole.

Boy/Man: It- it's hard to be closeted, you know, because you want to expose yourself to the world. I love exposing myself to everyone, especially to children. They are our future.

Oprah: *takes out a joint and smokes it* Wow, this is too much today. I feel better now. So are you in a relationship? Tell us who you've dated in the industry.

Man: *giggle* Um, let's see. Maculay Culkin, Lil Romeo, Lil Bow Wow (few years ago), Lil Sammy.

Oprah: You mean, you date CHILDREN?

Man: Um- huh- *giggle* It's time for me to go, I've got a nose-wax appointment.

Oprah: *takes another hit* Woo, OK. Our next guest is going to grace us with his vocal talents, singing a new spin of Whitney Houston's "Greatest Love of All".

Whitney: Oh hell to the naw! Bob-bay get the gun! Bobbay!

Singer: I believe that faggies are our future

Clothe them well, and let them be so gay

Show them all the queen they possess inside!

Let them have annual gay pride

to make it easier.

Let Will & Grace's laughter guide us to how queers need to be.

I decided long ago! Never to come out of the closet!

If I fail, if I succeed, I'm not comin' out for anybody

No matter how many guys lay on me

They can't take away my denial-ity!

Oprah: OK! Thank you so much, for that...lovely....oh hell, fuck it, I'm too THROUGH!

*Oprah exits the stage*

*commercial break*

Announcer: *soundin like Deacon Crack*COME SEE THE GOSPEL PLAY THAT IS SWEEPING THE NATION! "Madea Bring Me Some Chicken and Kool-Aid But Don't Get That Final Operation On Your Genitals Or The Lawd Won't Love You No Mo'" is coming to a city near you!

Madea: You shoooooooooo' is ugly, Brown!

Announcer: *still screamin all raspy* So be sure not to miss "Madea Bring Me- aw hell, yall get the picture.

***

Announcer: *all dramatic* On the next....Dr. Phil

Dr. Phil: *country* What you need to do is GET-IT-TO-GETHER, woman!

Announcer: A woman that verbally abuses her kids.

Shaniquah: TYRONE! CLEAN UP THIS ****.

Announcer: Gets a taste of her own medicine.

Dr. Phil: You are nothing but a low-down son of a hootananny!

Announcer: On the next Dr. Phil.

*commercial ends/audience applause*

Oprah: *lookin pissed off* Alright, we're back still with the theme of "You're Queer! This Minute! This Year!" Now we've had a wide array of guests here so far, but I think this last guest will be most memorable to our audience. Today we have with us today someone who does not wish to hide his identity. Here he is, finally coming out of the closet for all the see. *screamin like she has Down Sydrome* HERE-HE-IS! DIDDY!

Diddy: Yes, this is Diddy, baby, BAD BOY, 2005, baby.

Oprah: So you're gay? I had no idea.

Diddy: Most people didnt have any idea. I mean despite my flamboyant ways, all the tales of me being with male Bad Boy artists, and everything but still people didn't know.

Oprah: Do you have a partner?

Diddy: Yes, me and Fansworth Bentley have been together for a few years now.

*audience awws*

Oprah: OK, but you are a hip hop guy. How is that going to work being gay and a hip hop mogul?

Diddy: Well, see, Oprah, I have to keep changin' my identity, keep it fresh. So I'm changin' my name from Diddy to Faggy.

Oprah: ....

Diddy: ... What?

Oprah: Nothing. Before we wrap up the show is there anything you'd like to say to the public?

Diddy: Yeah, I'd like to give a shout out to all the girls who just made it into the band on Making the Band III, and to apologize to them for usin' all their lip gloss, make up, and feminine products. Sorry, girls! You know Faggy loves you. It's Bad Boy, baby, 2005, baby!

Oprah: That does it for today. Tune it tomorrow where we'll explore the secret underground S & M orgies of Justin Timberlake. See you next time.