"God Won't Let Mom Love Me"
First of all, thank you to everybody who commented on the last post! Feedback is what keeps me going here. Shoutout to Tam! Part II to Oprah's episode "You're Gay Tomorrow and Today" will be here soon, sorry, it's finals week and I'm bout to shit myself from all these tests. Also a review of Chronicles of Narnia will be up. I saw Rent again too (I know, I know. Four times is a bit much. Actually no it's not, that shit is good!) OK on the the post...
[lauryn hill/so much things to say]
I realize a lot of my posts have a lot to do with gayonisms, but that is just a meer part of who I am. However, I do use this site to vent about those things, so here we go again.
As you guys know, my mother is highly religious, but that's not all she is. My mother is one of my best friends. When my father cheated and my mom left him when I was only two, it became me and her against the worl d. Gardenia and Charles. We were best friends, and she was really the best mother ever. I know everyone says that, but she truly was. She did everything for me, including jeopardizing her job to defend me (another post for another time). I said all that to give you all the context of the following conversation, and why it is very uncharacteristic of my mother and I to feel uncomfortable discussing anything.
My mother and I had only discussed me being gay twice. The first time when I initially came out in May of this year, and another brief conversation where she advised me not to tell anyone in college about my sexuality (advice i refused to follow). Tonight was the third time in my eighteen years of existence talking about it with her. We had planned to talk about it, because of an episode of Oprah she had watched. Recently, she watched another episode where a gay man had started using crystal meth, lost everything, and contracted HIV, which sparked this conversation. We sat and watched the episode on tape.
The Conversation. If you have ADD, and don't want to read it all, the pivotal points will be in purple.
Mom: What do you think of that?
Me: I don't know anyone who does crystal meth and I wouldn't get involved with that.
Mom: Would you ever do drugs?
Me: No. [I'm not gonna lie to yall, I smoked the reefer before. But my moms need not know. Is it a lie if I say no, and I wouldn't do it again (possibly), but I did it before? I'ma say no, but because I hate lying.]
Mom: Why?
Me: Because I just won't. [All up in me n things!]
Mom: How much do you want me to know about your sexuality? [WHOA, Nelly, I do not want to tell you the details. You're my mom! Shiet.]
Me: Um, well I don't ha
ve a sex life, if that's what you want to know. [I really don't. Anymore. I practice ab-stin-ence.]
We both started laughing.
Mom: You are so goofy. Why?
Me: Because I would feel guilty after messing with someone I really didn't have feelings about. I want to feel for that person I'm with. Plus, I'm not trying to get any diseases.
Mom: And what if you found someone you liked and they claimed to have the same feelings as you do about sex? What if after getting to know one another, you two wanted something to happen.
Me: I would go get tested. Put it under the guise of me wanting to be tested, even though I know there is no chance, and take him with me.
Mom: Did you read some website about the perfect answers to say to parents? Damn.
Me: No, they just keep coming out. [Of my ass. Naw, I was being genuine.]
Mom: So let's talk about dreams. What about having kids? Don't you want a family?
Me: I can have one through-
Mom: Articial insem-inblem- what is it-
Me: Artificial insemination. [Her black ass is a teacher too.]
Mom: OK. I just want you to know that...God still loves you. That God doesn't hate you because of this, do you understand that?
Me: I... understand what you're saying.
Mom: What I'm saying...right. I just want you to know that God doesn't hate you.
Me: (smiling) Why would I think God hates me?
Mom: Because- because it's sin. But don't get me wrong. I don't count homosexuality as some big sin, God sees it the same as murder, lying-
Me: (shocked, but not surprised) You cannot compare being gay to those things.
Mom: I'm just saying that it's all sin and God sees all sin the same. I want you to know that I embrace you with open arms, but that I still think homosexuality is wrong.
Me: Why do you think that?
Mom: Because- because God made a man and a woman.
Me: So? Just because God made a man and a woman, that doesn't mean that he made every man and woman to be together. [Note: I am not a Christian, but I was speaking in her terms, or the conversation would have gone nowhere.]
Mom: OK, well, just consider me brainwashed, but that's just what I was always taught. [By our IGNORANT church. It's terrible how people take anything the church says at face value]
Me: Well maybe you need to analyze why exactly you feel that way, instead of giving generic answers and-
Mom: (cutting me off before I got too hostile) The Bible says God doesn't agree with it.
Me: The Bible is misinterpreted, mistranslated, and mishandled. Especially by that travesty of a church you made me go to, GCBC. I can't believe you made me go there again, preaching about "gayonisms" and stupid things like that.
Mom: They said that?
Me: Mom, you were right there.
Mom: Oh. Well you don't have to go to GCBC. There are accepting churches out there. I just don't want you to turn away from God and the church because of this. That's a cop out.
Me: That's not the reason I don't go to church.
We both agree nonverbally not to go into that. She cannot handle that and what I have to say about her Jim Crowe Christianity/church! (Shoutout to Clay Cane!)
Mom: I think you should know that people change over the years. I don't want you to peg yourself down to something. It's like in Narnia [I'll include her analogy in my review of Narnia. I'll skip it for now]
Me: That is a very unhealthy view for you to hold, because it allows you to hold on to a false hope that I will change. And I'm telling you right now, it's not going to happen.
Mom: So how do you want to go about telling your stepdad and your father?
Me: I'm sticking to the plan of telling my dad after college is paid for, so I can get an education. I hate being dishonest, but these are my options. It's up to you about Dale [my stepdad]
Mom: How are you going to feel about their reactions? I mean, is it going to upset you that they will be upset? Because you know they will be. Will you feel hurt if your father [my biological one] disowns you? [Which he probably will do. Damn shame.]
Me: If he disowns me, I probably won't care, because I've been expecting it for so long, and it will be a welcome relief from our tumultuous up and down relationship. As for if I will care if they are upset, no, I will not be upset. I would probably get mad before I got upset.
Mom: Mad? I don't think that'd be an appropriate reaction to them being upset you're gay.
Me: Well, I'm having less and less patience. I really won't care if they are upset about it. It's like, grow up. You're 40 year old men and should be able to be mature enough to handle this. It's 2005. And I'm your son. Accept me or leave me.
Obviously, she didn't like this answer, as the idea of her husband blaming herself for my gayonisms was not appealing.
Mom: What about discrimination?
Me: A non-issue, when out of your church. [Honestly, I have charmed a lot of homophobes into thinking more openly mindedly, because they saw through me that every gay person wasn't flaming. One step at a time, people.]
I'm going to summarize the rest, because this is already longer than Titanic. If you want the rest of the details, e-mail me or IM me. I went on to say I didn't appreciate her initial reaction, because it wasn't as comforting as I had envisioned or hoped for. She responded that she thought her reaction was Emmy-worthy because she didn't kick me out or some shit like that. Which SHOULD BE UNDERSTOOD IF YOU ARE A MOTHER, it should not deserve any type of award, because it is EXPECTED! I will have to tell her that one later. Our conversation was ended when my stepfather came home. We decided we'd continue the conversation later.
I want your thoughts on what happened tonight. Who was right? Who was wrong? Did my mother have points that I am ignoring? Let Me Know!
posted by Charles X @ 12:21 AM
13 Comments:
LAWD If this isn't going to be me in two years. (LOL)
MESS
-Marz
I praise you for coming out to your mother. That must have been a very hard thing to do, especially with you still living in her house. I'm sure you already know about the thousands of men who stay on the down low for years and even marry women so no one will suspect them being gay. That's just sad when people mislead others. On the other hand, I can kinda empathize with your mother, being a mother myself. It seems like she's trying to be more open and understanding. It's hard for her too, I'm sure. Especially with all the things that she's been taught over the years. You can educate her better than anyone else as long as she's willing to listen. Honestly, if my son ever told me that he is gay, I would be a little sad at first, not for me but for him. I wouldn't want anyone mistreating my baby. But I would still love, support, and accept him no matter what cause that's my baby and damn what anybody else say. Maybe you need to give her a little more time to get more comfortable with this. In the end, love really does conquer all.
P.S. Finals got me all fuc%&d up too. I don't know if coming or going these days. Be glad when it's over.
Alright my thoughts I couldn't write out earlier...
I think that your mother is sort of set in her beliefs of what she's been taught; so you telling her that everything that is rooted deep down in her mind is wrong, is kind of conflicting. ( Like some new math telling her2+2=5.) I think maybe that she feels that if your father/stepfather finds out it might have a negative connotation on her. Also, since she is so religious that the church members might have some offensive things to say to her. (You know how the Christains get, " If you were raising him better, he wouldn't be gay", and all that jazz.)
She sounds worried to me in the conversation about you getting AIDS, or something like that. Or getting gay bashed, and a whole lists of other things that could happen.
She of course needs time, but at least she is making an effort to understand.
Keep your head up.
-Marz
I think your Mom Is just scared and it's not easy to accept something that you have been told all your life is wrong. I can tell she loves you, If not, she would just ignore the whole thing at least she is trying to sit down and talk to you, I think that is to be commended. Just keep working at it, you firgure are 18 and have had all these yrs to deal with your mom has only had since may. Unfortunatly, Most people only think of sex when they think gay. And no parents want to think about their baby and sex. According to my parents both my kids are immaculent conception. I say as hard as it can be keep the commuication lines open.
I am just speechless.
I cannot imagine having a conversation like this with my mother. I try to keep my mom out of my business as much as possible.
I really commend you for have the guts/courage to sit down and have a heart to heart with her. I'm sure the conversation was not easy for either one of you.
@ Marz - LOL, what a character!!
Oh my dear Charles...I have a lot to say, but I just finished blogging and Ryan is practically on my shoulders begging for puter time...lemme sleep on it and I'll respond tomorrow. Keep your head up little brother....keep your head up.
i do suspect we'll be continuing this conversation sometime next week and i'll let you all know how that turns out.
Your dad and stepdad must be seriously anti-gays for her to be so scared. Stay strong Charles.
Ok, now that I'm kinda bright-eyed and half way bushy tailed, here is my spin on that conversation...let's take the religion out of the situation...as a mother (and a liberal one), I would love my sons REGARDLESS - unconditionally as it should be - if they discovered or chose to live a homosexual lifestyle (we can argue about choice or biology LATER). Your mother loves you...and she will continue to love you...but you also have to realize that this is still fairly fresh information to her - and if her mind has been closed to the idea for her ENTIRE LIFE (which is a long time compared to YOUR time here on Earth), then she's going to require a bit more time to let her true feelings unravel. No matter what, you will always be her baby...and although she may NEVER agree with your lifestyle, she will grow to accept you for who and what you are. In the end, we are all seeking some sort of approval from SOMEONE. Too many times we allow that shit to dictate how we live our lives. My dear, you are a free spirit...be FREE.
As for the father figures in your life, consider the fact that they will question their own masculinity when judging you - should it fall in that direction. Your lifestyle doesn't dictate WHO YOU ARE AS A WHOLE. You are STILL CHARLES...the same young man they fell in love with the day you entered their lives. So if they turn their backs on you, it will be THEIR loss...for you are a brilliant young man with a bright future and everyone is a better person for having known you because you allowed us to be a part of YOUR life.
Give people a little credit...just a little. They may surprise you...and then again, they may not. At the end of the day, YOU and only YOU answer to your Higher Power. Your mother will come around...allow her into your world. Give her the information she needs to better understand that you are still the same person. Your sexuality does NOT define you as a human being. Your accomplishments will overshadow everything else...and she will simply continue to see her son Charles...just like me.
Bright Blessings little one...
T.
Aww that was so sweet, true, and insightful. thank you. -tear-
You are MORE than welcome little brother...keep ya head up.
Parents like to do the "don't ask, don't tell" because they know the harshness with which society treats those who are different in any way. Moreover, the deeply rooted religious prohibitions still predominate among older black folks, because the church was our social, political, spiritual and motivational force during Jim Crowism, de jure segregation, de facto segregation, and the much resisted integration. Therefore, it is not easy to question or abandon something that is so deeply ingrained. Sure the Bible is contradictory in places, subject to misinterpretation by many, and probably mistranslated more than a few times. Yet, looking beyond those fallibilities (please no hate mail from the 'infallible' folks who read this), there is a core message of love that transcends everything else and binds us together (or at least keeps us from being the true survive-at-all-costs beings that would destroy each other). Whether it is secular ethics, the ten commandments, or the U.S. Constitution, we need to agree on rules that include everyone and bring harmony within a sense of community. We have a ways to go, but I ultimately believe that society will evolve. Shem hotep.
Post a Comment
<< Home