Testify! The Gettin Sued Drama

Only *I* would get ashy in a court of law in front of a bootlegged Judge Judy.



Well blow me down! At the ripe old age of eighteen, I'm already gettin people comin out of the woodwork desiring my change! I am not a hustla, and I did not tell these people to ask about me. Today was definitely not my first appearance in court (and probably not my last), but it was certainly my first time getting sued.

Let me back that thang up and give yall the shortened backstory. [If you don't care for the backstory, just skip down to the * sign] I was cruising down the street, havin just exited my high school's parking lot on the first day of my junior year. This was my first day driving the ish home from school. So I'm cruising in my BMW lookin so sexy when errrnt BAM. Like a Terrence Howard/Ludacris movie, I had crashed into the vehicle in front of me when I wasn't looking (cept the dude wasn't Asian). Mind you, this was highly embarassing with the whole school driving by seein my dumb ass had crashed into someone after JUST leavin the parkin lot. Young minds.

My car was all bent the fuck up while his car had NO damage. None. His hick mean ass continued to pace up and down the street, yellin at me, and actin a redneck mess in the way Texans only can. I was in HELL, yall.

Fast forward to two years later,I'm a freshman in college, I done moved on from this traumatic incident and almost forgot about it when I receive a call informing me I'm being sued for "pain and suffering" that I allegedly caused the hick. What the hell? is all I could say.

*Now fast foward to today. I'm sittin up in court, more nervous than Ashlee Simpson on SNL, about to see if my insurance is about to sky rocket to Beyonce's-new-jeans-prices because Billy Bob Bubba wants to get a little of my $$. I told my attorney I wasn't havin it! And that he better represent.

Bubba Ray Earl (with his hick toothless wife) came at the judge all unorganized with his files and he seemed unsure of what EXACTLY he was suing for, just that he was tryna get A LOT OF MONEY! Bootleg Judge Judy was gettin' irate and wasn't havin it.

RIGHT OFF THE BAT, she knocked off $1000 off of his law suit, because his dumbass didn't realize you can't sue for pain and suffering in a small claims court. He needs to watch Judge Hatchett or Mathis or somefin! (Hold up- they probably ban all channels that feature African Americans- which would mean they have like two channels on block). Then she told his ass that she would not have me payin for his court costs, since his ig'nant ass is the one who pursued civil court.

Learn the law, my people. Don't get caught up like Farmer Joe here did!

Anyways, although I just made great strides, I'm still nervous. My [cute] attorney is holdin me down, as is my stepfather sittin back in the audience. Some redneck cop passed by the room and saw some African Americans in the court and decided to watch us like we're bout to steal somethin in a Korean corner store. SMH!

Then she walked in. My beautiful mother. I didn't even have to turn around to feel her prescence, I just knew. Her lovely scent permeated the room and I turned around and smiled at her in relief and she gave me that "Kick ass, son!" look and I was ready.

OH NO! HELL TO THE NAH! HOLD THE PHONE! IM GETTIN ASHY?!

What is takin over my body? Why the hell am I beating Michael & Latoya Jackson in a race to see who can get white the fastest? It was too cold in the room and my skin was dryin up. Aw, shit!

The judge was gettin irate with the hick's ineptitude, when it seemed that he was pullin some legit doctor's documents out of his sleeve. Flea Market Judge Judy was startin to pay attention now and it also seemed like she was about to wrap up the case. NO! WAIT! I didn't even get to deliver my soon-to-be-Emmy-nominated testimonial about the accident yet!

So my attorney called me to the stand and my theater-trained black ass basically makes Redneck Bill look like a liar (he really was though).

Redneck Bill: I didn't want to have to go through all this with you people.

My Mother: (all loud and ghetto) MMMM! Uh-uh baybeh!

Me (thinkin): Oh no, please don't let her get black in here on todaaaaay! Please! I'll never listen to another Britney Spears record again, just please let her calm her ass down!

And she did calm down. [And I will continue to listen to Britney.]

I should also mention that Redneck Bubba had the nerve to send us a letter stating that if he pay him 1500 dollars he'll drop the suit. Needless to say, we declined that shit ASAP.

Now it was time for the verdict. Dollar Store Judge Judy had been all ig'nant on Redneck Bubba at first, but then she got kinda soft. It was all up in the air and no one knew which way she was gonna go. Would I have to end up gettin a second job as a male prostitute to pay the bills? Or would the suit be dismissed?
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Wal-Mart Brand Judge Judy: After much review, I was ready to give my verdict..................but now upon further review I need to look at these documents in my private chambers [translation: I need to smoke a blunt before I can even begin to deal with this mess on todaaaay. BOBBAY? Where's the joints?]. Call here after noon tomorrow to find out my final verdict.

Cliffhangered.

Afterwards Redneck Joe had the nerve to come up to my father and say "I didn't wanna do this" and try to be all nice. We looked at him like "WHATS! MY! NAME!" all DMX style. It was quite icy [and I was still quite ASHY]

Jerry Springer Moral of the Day:
Never ever crash your car into the back of a hick's vehicle. Two years later you will be in court, itchin, cold, and ashier than Ole Dirty Bastard's ankles [RIP!]