You're Gay! Tomorrow and Today!

Because of contractual issues and pending law suits, a secret episode of Oprah on which I appeared was never aired. But luckily for y'all, I made this site to give you the lowdown (about the down low) on what happened in the set of Oprah that day. I'ma give y'all the partial transcript of what down along with some pictures I took with my cell phone while on the set.

(the Oprah audience applauds)

Oprah: *soundin like a retarded and deaf man* YES! EVERYBODY GETS A CAR!

(audience goes wild)

Oprah: *looks at her producer* Oh, that's not today? Oh, just fuckin' with y'all, sit down. Today's episode is about a new revolution that is about to take place in black mainstream culture today. You've all seen my show about the down low, and the fallout caused several black bloggers to call on celebrities to come out of the closet.

(camera goes to a white lady looking puzzled and worried)

Oprah: Today's episode is called "You're Gay! Tomorrow and Today!" and I will sit down with gay celebrities in black culture that will finally come out of the closet on today's show.

(audience applause)

Oprah: Now our first guest today is someone who wishes to still hide her identity. However, she did agree to answer some questions for us if we hid her identity.

(Oprah turns around to face her huge television screen, on which a female is shown with her face distorted)

Lesbian: *all manly* Yo Oprah.

Oprah: Welcome to the show. Thank you so much for joining us today in exploring this issue of "you're gay tomorrow and today!"

Lesbian: OH OH IIII!

Oprah: Excuse me? Um- so how did you know you were gay?

Lesbian: I KEPT ON FALLIN! Iiiin and out of bed. With Missy!

Oprah: Missy Elliot?

Lesbian: Yes. She definitely knows a woman's worth. So does Queen Latifah.

Oprah: (looks into the audience) TMI? You be the judge. Now why don't you come out in the public eye. Come on. Reveal who you are.

Lesbian: You don't know my name! And I swear! Me and Missy was like Oprah and Steadman.

Oprah: *pondering* I'm still not quite sure who you are. Anyways, let's move on to our next guest, and we'll come back to you. Next we have on the show-

Lesbian: How come you don't call me? You like Gayle more than me?

Oprah: Cut her mic! CUT HER MIC! We're moving on. Next we have a young man in the industry who you would never suspect of being gay. Here's his story.

(audience applause)

Gay Man: It just isn't cool to be black, in the words of my ex 50 Cent. Wait- no- it's not cool to be GAY. I get it mixed up. I can't come out, because then my deep deep soul music won't be taken seriously. I'm just an ordinary person, you know?

Oprah: Riight. That's all very interesting and all but let's get to your personal business. Who have you dated in the industry?

Gay Man: Kirk Franklin was my first industry boyfriend. He really showed me the...ins and outs of the whole industry. Then I helped Kanye deal with some of his sexuality issues but ultimately, he's mesexual. He's only attracted to himself.

Oprah: Oh my. Oh my Lord. Anyone else?

Gay Man: I think that's all I'd better say, before I start giving myself away.

Oprah: After our commercial break, we'll have 50 Cent to address his issues with gay culture.

*commercial*

Kelly: I'm so grateful it's Christmas and I get to spend it with the people I love!
Beyonce: Yeah yeah, hand me my ho-ass sister's baby so I can look like I give a shit about people.
Beyonce's Lion-Lookin Mother: Why is Michelle here and my own daughter isn't? I told Solange she better be outta rehab before the video shoot. I'ma whoop her-
Matthew Knowles: I can't wait to take Kelly backstage and beat that pussy up again!

White Woman: *talking excitedly* WHEN YOU'RE ON YOUR PERIOD, YOUR VAGINA BLEEDS. SO USE TAMPAX!

*commercial ends*

Oprah: We're back here, still talking about "You're Gay! Tomorrow and Today!" Here we are with Curtis 50 Cent Jackson, to discuss his issues with homosexuality.

50 Cent: I mean, it just aint cool to be gay. You can't be aggressive if you gay. Nah Im sayin? I mean look at me. Im gangsta and I aint neva liked no dude.

Oprah: But in your book, you make MANY homoerotic statements and references. For example, when you talk about the length of your instructor's penis.

50 Cent: Oprah, I got shot nine times. I aint gay.

Oprah: Sources close to you say you had sexual relations with The Gay- I mean The Game.

50 Cent: Just because we rubbed up against each other naked with some baby oil, watchin Golden Girls, does not mean we gay. I'm out.

(50 takes his place back in the audience)

Oprah: You sure are out. Let's take some remarks from internet superstar blogger, Charles X. Charles X, what do you think about all of this Hollywood closetting?

Me: Oprah, I think it's a hot ass mess! We know who you are! It's so damn obvious. Instead of working with and advocating these homophobic artists in the industry with you, why don't you make a difference for your people? With all the respect you gain with your shitty music (and plagiarism- Alicia, you know what I'm talkin about), you could make positive images for gay people in the black community. R.I.P. Luther Vandross, but you are guilty too!Hopefully, you will do this soon. Until then, if you want to be in the closet, don't be such an obvious bulldyke or a queen slobberin' all over the mic, like it's Taye Digg's piece.

50 Cent: Yo, son-

(audience member who strongly resembles Fresh of Crunk & Disorderly stands up)

Fresh Look-a-like: HOE SIT DOWN!

(50 Cent sits down, with the same constipated look he always has)

Oprah: On that note, we're going to wrap this up until part two of You're Gay Tomorrow and Today!