Brokeback Hobos For Rent

My Review of Brokeback Mountain, My Encounter With Hobo Janice, and Finally Taking My Parents To See Rent. Drama Galore!

[arcade fire/ wake up]

As we pulled up to the beautiful Angelika Theater, my mind was racing. Is this movie going to live up to the hype? Could this movie improve gay images to conservative Americans? Open minds? I wonder what the plot is. Will Heath Ledger and Jake Gylenhaal really have sex on screen in an unprecedented move?

Will I have a loud orgasm in the middle of the movie?

Some of those questions were affirmed, while others denied.

[If you don't want spoilers, skip this part and read about Hobo Janice until you see the film. Also, if you can't deal with hot homo love, then don't read it either! You'll get infected with the gay disease!]

Cody, Rachel, and I sat in the middle of the theater and we commented on each person coming in. Damn, he's gay. They're a couple- wait no, he's gay and that's his fag hag. No- yeah he's ga- wait he's just old. I squealed like a little girl gettin' a Bratz Doll for Christmas as "Seasons of Love" played before the movie's start.

The lights dimmed. The previews ended. The movie began.

Brokeback Mountain started off with Heath Ledger and Jake Gylenhaal's characters getting to know each other while they completed a summer job tending to sheep on a mountain. After a few conversations and sexual tensions escalating, the two sexy cowboys give in to temptation and have passionate sex in a tent!

Rachel: Charles, calm down.
Me: *hyperventalating* Oh snap!

After an almost-kiss, Jake submissively bends over on all fours as Heath anxiously undoes his pants. Heath then spits on his hand, uses it to lube his tube, and plunges on into Jake 's territory, diggin for gold! Don't worry, straights, it doesn't last that long, but it's still a BIG step for Hollywood and the gay community/film industry as a whole.

Me: *cant breathe* Woo.
Rachel: *laughin her ass off* Shut up.

Now, I think that was hot, but I had a problem with it. The two had sex while barely knowing each other, thus maybe giving off the impression that their relationship is based on lust instead of love and giving fuel to the assertion that gays are only about sex.

The story goes on to show the separation and longing the two feel for each other, despite the fact that they both get married and have kids in separate states. The separation is very Notebook/Color Purple, but somehow it didn't rip me up as much as it did in those films. I was expecting to feel MORE for the Brokeback characters because they're gay, but that wasn't the case.

Their separation is further spurred on by Heath Ledger's fear of getting lynched, as he had witnessed the fate of several gay men before in the rural south. Ultimately... *SPOILERS* they show Heath Ledger's dialogue with Gylenhaal's wife telling him he'd been hurt in a trucking accident while interlacing clips of what REALLY happened... Jake was lynched for being gay just like Heath saw happen in his old town. A bunch of homophobic hicks had gutted Jake viciously and dragged him until his penis came off [not actually shown, but implied]. That scene was the most powerful and disturbing in the whole film.

However, powerful that one scene may have been, the rest of it failed to totally win me over. Based on a short story, the movie failed to stretch it out to two hours, instead leaving the audience with some boring moments. The movie overall was good (Jake had some amazing scenes) and I enjoyed seeing it, however, I believe it could have been better. Perhaps I need to see it again.

*End of Spoilers*

I recommend everyone to see Brokeback Mountain, because the movie IS being widely acclaimed , which I'm very excited about,and you may have a more positive spin on it. I want to give it a GLOWING review, but I had to be honest. It isn't out everywhere yet, so check movietickets.com before sprinting to the local theater. I had to go an hour away to see it. Support the cause, people!

Score: $$$$ [four out of five]

[Hobo Janice]

Having spent WAY too long at an awkward high school mini-reunion during a sucky concert, two friends and I (why do I always travel in threes?), exited the club tired and ready to go home. I stopped to talk to an old friend, while Lesli and Jessica were approached by a bummy looking middle aged black woman. Later on...

Me: *getting in the car* So who was that lady?
Lesli: Some lady named Janice! She just came up to me and said [mind you, this is a country ass white girl trying to imitate a black lady.] "Please be a financial blessun' unto me! Ima hea outside in dis hea cold! I aint gots no clothes! I got full blowed AIDS. I aint got no where ta go. Please be a blessun unto me!"
Me: Pull over. Take me to her.

I quickly walked over to the homeless woman who was currently begging two relunctant Hispanics to be a "blessun" unto her. Her head was adorned in a purple tattered hat, the rest of her body enveloped in rags.

I handed her a five.

Janice: *eyes get wide* Oh my Lord! Thaaank you! Thank you so much!

I balked at her sudden outburst of excitement and stepped back in case she tried to lunge at me. I immediately reproached myself for stereotyping her. Then comforted myself with knowing I needed to be cautious and that's all I was thinking about. Or was it...? Was it her AIDS? I thought. All in five seconds, before she exclaimed:

Janice: It really is Christmas today! Why? Why did you do this?
Me: My friends told me you were here.

Janice quickly approached Lesli's vehicle, eyes looking crazed and hands shaking in the cold. Was it the cold?

Janice: Why did you do this? You are a blessun! IT REALLY IS CHRISTMAS!
Me: Yes...
Janice: I don't got no where ta go!
Me: You should find- find a church-?
Janice: A church is givin' me an apartment praise GOD! In two weeks!
Me: Yes... that's really nice. I'm happy for you. Take care of yourself, Janice.

I wonder what she really did with that five dollars.

[My Remedial Mother & The Rentscapade]

This morning as we ate breakfast at the table, my mother got remedial for a few minutes. As you know, my mother doesn't want my stepdad to know I'm gay at this juncture in time. However, he is equipped with the knowledge that I'm arsty, wear "alternative" clothes (not gothic, just not hip hop or preppy gear- think Andre 3000 for the closest comparison), have NOT had a girlfriend since nineth grade, am a vigin, watch Queer As Folk, and hate church for some "mysterious" reason. You think he'd be on the tip of the iceburg of knowledge...he just needed ONE more little thing to tip him off...but what could that be....

Mom: So how was Brokeback Mountain? Tell us about it.

I played with my bacon and allowed her to get distracted as to avoid the question. Thirty seconds later...

Mom: So you gonna tell us about it or not?
Me: It was good. *fiddles with my eggs*

A minute later.

Mom: So are you gonna tell us about the movie, boy?
Me (thinkin' "This dumb bitch..."): It was good. It's about these two men who fall in love and they get separated and it deals with the after math of that.

The phone rang and she handed it to Dale, my stepfather.
Mom: *whispering* Was the audience mostly an...alternative audience?
Me (laughin inside, thinking "DUH", and shaking my head @ her saying "alternative audience"): It was a mixed audience.

That was true. There were straight couples, and group of gay OLD men, and young cliques.

Mom: Would it be a movie...people like me and your father could appreciate?

I love her but she really gets ig'nant when it comes to this.

Me: Yes. Everyone should see it for themselves.
Mom: Was there any...scenes that would be...offensive...sexually to people who don't agree with homosexuality?

IF YOU DONT SHUT YO OLE...........CHRISTIAN....JIM CROWE ASS....

Me: *smiles* There was a scene. You'll live.

She was gettin on my last got damn nerve this mornin.

Any-muh-fuckin-ways, I dragged them kicking and screaming to see Rent. Muftha had to clutch the pearls! In case y'all don't know, Rent features HIV, drug use, a lesbian relationship, a male/drag queen relationship, among other "offensive" topics. I knew what I was taking my parents to, but I thought they could appreciate the awesome music and inspiring story.

My mother's final reaction was shocking.

During a couple scenes, she pissed me off. A gay hispanic man approached a black man who had been badly hurt in an alley. The gay hispanic says "Are you ok, honey?" My mom says (loudly) "HONEY?!?" I should not have been shocked, she is known for loud inappropriate outbursts.

Another scene, two women kiss and she said "Ew." However, a lesbian in the scene was disgusted by the behavior as well, so I will let that one slide.

The final time she showed out was during the big showstopping number "La Vie Boheme". The lyric says "To sodomy- it's between God and me" and a drag queen play-humps her boyfriend. My mother gasped like someone cancelled Desperate Housewives and clutched onto Dale's knee. Too dramatic.

As the final credits rolled, I was in for a surprise. My stepdad started clapping. (This the nigga who cried on Diary Of A Mad Black Mess [read Clay's post on that at the bottom], while my mom stood up clapping and crying like a fool). So I was shocked. Then my mom says...

"I liked it."

I was shocked. And so happy. She managed to like a movie that featured homosexuality predominantly. There is hope, people! She even had a favorite song. "I'll Cover You", a beautiful duet sung by a drag queen and a gay man (makes me cry every time!)

There's hope.

Things coming up: gay cartoon/children's show characters, a new analysis of a black iconic movie, and an interview with a controversial blogger.

Let Me Know!