When A Lesbian Man Attacks

First of all, someone please tell Mariah Carey to "fly like a bird" to the local JC Penney and buy some clothes with some MATERIAL! She is too old and too fat to be still playing the "Oops, am I slutty? I'm only 12, you know. Oooops!" card. Put all that "honey" away.

Meeting The Lesbian Man

Anyways, for all of you who do not know already, I deliver food and therefore work in customer service. When you work in customer service, you'll have your nice people who give you a big tip. You'll have your average people who just want their food, give you the regular tip, and want you to get on your way. But occassionally, you'll have that evil customer who's life goal is to make you miserable.

Last night was one of those nights.

I was already having a bad night, on the verge of a breakdown, when I had to deliver a pizza to this condo (in the ghetto, mind you) and there wasn't proper lighting on the street. So I had to call the customer and ask her how to get there (I was already on the right street, I just needed to know how to get there). She had a bit of an attitude on the phone, but it was OK, I was gonna give her the food and get out of there.

A Turn For The Worst

As I approach the condo, the cokes in the bag I'm holding decide to drop out of the bottom of the bag and spill all over the concrete below. As this happens, I look over and see a man standing by the door shaking his head at me in pissed off disapproval.

So now I just spilled the people's drinks and the customer is already mad. Here we go. I approached the dude and told him what happened...only to discover it was a lesbian man! The woman was a straight up DOG! WOOF! Lookin' uglier than one of Whoopi Goldberg's shits...but white!

I was trying not to vomit all over the ugly ole thang, when I offered to go get her some cokes for free from the store. She-man just says to adjust the bill. I quickly run to my car to call the restauarant, b/c the condo smelled like straight up tuna vagina and I could not take it. When I have the adjusted total, the man-thang is outside again lookin' real pissed off like her life partner didn't lick it like she liked it. That shit ain't my fault...is it? No, no it isn't.

So she SNATCHES the receipt from me...and proceeds to talk while I'm looking at her college graduation pictures on the wall of the beautiful condo...

Lesbian Man: I shouldn't give you any tip, you fucked up the order, and you need to get your shit together.

Owls, crickets, possums, and every other creature in Texas all stopped what they were doing to look at her like "SAY WHAT?!"

Me: *looks at her like SAY WHAT?! and then calms down* OK...I'm sorry that you feel the order wasn't what it was supposed to be-

Lesbian Man: *irate and bitchy in a deep voice* Ask your company, ask your company, I want you to call them right now, I order from here twice a week and I've NEVER had this much trouble.

Me: *still calm* OK... well I'm sorry I couldn't see, there wasn't enough light-

Lesbian Man: NEVER IN MY LIFE have I had so much trouble from someone! You really need to get your shit together.

Me: *suppressing my inner Mary J. Blige* ..................................OK. I'm sorry. Bye.

Lesbian Man: You need to get a new job! *slams the door*

Mary J. was ready to come out onstage and sing off key!

I turned back around and opened her door back up.

Me: Excuse me?

Lesbian Man Smelling Like Tuna (I'm really not makin that shit up): What?

Me: You don't need to be talkin' to me like that.

Lesbian Man: Excuse me? Would you pay 34 fuckin' dollars for a cold pizza?

Me: I wasn't even LATE, if the pizza was cold that is the restaurants fault-

Lesbian Man: I am going to call your company, how dare you-

Me: GO AHEAD! Is 34 dollars worth you talking to another human being like you just did to me? You are so damn rude-

Lesbian Man: It's not 34 dollars out of your fuckin pocket, is it?

She started to get in my face and I was seeing way too many of her wrinkles. She was obviously a heavy drinker.

Me: You need to back up off me, for one, and you need to stop being so disrespectful and rude.

Lesbian Man: I am calling your company! Tear that receipt up! I want your company to pay for this meal! Tell them to put this shit on their fuckin account!

Me: I'm not doing that. I see this is going nowhere. Later, lady!

I started to walk away and she proceeded to follow me to my car.

Lesbian Man: No, I want you to call your company right now, this is god damn ridiculous.

Me: I want you to leave me alone and get OUT OF MY FACE.

Lesbian Man: Tear it up.

Me: I'm not doing that! Leave me alone!

I got in my car and phoned into work, telling them what just went down. Basically, they were on my side. I had to cut my story short as the Lesbian Man interrupted to tell her side of drunken events. The company appeased her and tried to smooth it over by sending her stupid ass a gift certificate... and you know what me and Whitney say to that...

HELL TO THE NAH!

I wouldn't give that bat-out-of-hell shit; she is a lunatic and needs to be locked up where no more vaginas and cute black boys will be harmed, and that's the dayum truth. She must be stopped!

I hope I catch that ho on the screets. Shapeeta and the crew got a real special treat for Lesbian Man.